


Feeling of Serenity

by Ultra



Category: Firefly
Genre: Confusion, Gen, Introspection, POV River Tam, Pain, Peace, Post-Serenity (2005), Riverspeak (Firefly), Sad, Understanding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-27
Updated: 2012-09-27
Packaged: 2020-03-01 02:24:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18791098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ultra/pseuds/Ultra
Summary: River contemplates life after Miranda.





	Feeling of Serenity

**Author's Note:**

> originally written for susanmarier on Livejournal as part of a prompt meme.

In space no-one can hear you scream.

Not true, of course. Crew aboard a ship can hear, hear all. Every scream, cry, nightmare. Not as well as she does, but ears will always hear.

The River girl hears with her mind as well, sounds that do not belong to her, that she shouldn’t hear, shouldn’t know. Like the water in her name, flooding through cracks in the dam. Then the dam burst.

Drowning. Far out and lost. The corner of no and where, Captain said, but her black was different. Darker, longer, stretched out further than her life could ever go. Sinking in the quick sand, no mathematics could save her.

Simon tried. Everybody tried. The world was grey, metallic, surrounded her with care, but still lost. Not waving, but drowning, and no-one to save her. Held close but far away still, miles and miles.

M was important. Maidenhead, Miranda, molluscs of the celaphod family. Mice and men. Men and women, and little children.

She had been a child once. Ribbons and ballet, dancing until the worlds spun. Dance to make it stop now.

M for murder. M for madness.

Clarity was welcome and full of dread in one. The River ran like the fluid on her hands. Blood of men, monsters, more. Blades flashing, time racing, dam cracking, water flooding. Everything the clearest blur.

It’s okay to leave them to die. Brother spoke untruths. Too much death and all a new flood inside her mind. Fill the gaps between no and where, all the corners washed away.

Then it was over. All over now. She screamed no more. She walked on her feet, touched with her hands, and she was a girl. Not the sunshine of the mechanic or the allure of the companion, but girl, woman, person at last.

Some laughed, some cried. The joy that it was over, the sadness of others lost. River could do neither, and all at once. She was herself, but had no meaning. No pretty dresses and a parents hand to hold. No voices in the dark she could not quantify. All gone, just a shell and a memory, and a strength she hardly knows left behind.

Out on the corner of no and where, lost in space but ever glad to float there. This is the most peaceful revelry she has known for as long as she can recall.

There are emotions, there are challenges. She will yet feel pain and loss, blades and bullets will be her ally and her enemy. She is one of them now, and yet shall never fit complete. River girl was not made to fit, nor altered to do so.

Still, the bridge is warm, inviting. A leather-bound symbol laid amongst the controls to keep her spirit strong. A plastic giant lizard figure eyeing it with confusion might amuse if not so serious.

Safe place, Serenity, with those who have been lost, found, and lost again all around her. They say she is going to belong here, and that they are always watching. Voices in her head are welcome now. It was not okay to leave them to die, but they are not angry. It wasn’t her fault, nobodies fault.

As the worlds turn, the River runs, and breathes, and smiles. She has a place to belong now, and it is no place at all. Out in the black, amongst the stars, amongst her family, and serene.


End file.
